I was in my friends’, Beth and Chad’s, wedding a couple of years ago. I had a blast. It felt great to be included and I had a wonderful time at the bachelorette party, trying on bridesmaid dresses, getting our hair done, posing for the photos, and definitely at the reception. The night of the reception I just happened to be talking to Beth’s mom and went on and on about what a great time I was having. She became very serious and told me I had to tell Beth.
I hadn’t even realized it, but apparently Beth was really stressed out ’cause she had been dealing with all of the piddly little complaints from everyone about every tiny little thing. Some of the bridesmaids were even complaining because they didn’t realize they had to pay for their own dresses. Granted, they were over $100 for something we probably wouldn’t wear again, but c’mon people, this is her wedding! First of all, it’s a fraction of what she or her family is paying overall for you to have great time and it’s an honor for you to have been selected, this means you are one of her closest friends…act like it!
Of course, I marched up to Beth right away and went on and on about what a great time I was having. She was so grateful and relieved.
I didn’t really get it at the time, but it makes so much sense now. I ignorantly thought that people would do whatever they could to help you out and make sure you were happy this one time in your life that’s supposed to be so special. It’s the one time other people around you completely cast off all selfishness and do their best to be there for you, right? I mean, I’d hope that those close to me would be there for me at other times too, but I always imagined weddings as the mass support from everyone, even those you’re really not that close to.
The punchline? Beth and Chad haven’t been returning my calls. I can only assume they’re not coming at this point as I haven’t even been able to send them an invite ’cause they won’t call back and give me their address.
Three of my first cousins aren’t coming to the wedding. Only one of them has actually told me that herself. The rest had to have an answer wretched from them from a family member through a family member through a family member. These are people I consider close to me. I haven’t even gotten explanations from two of them.
I heard through a friend that one of my closest friends won’t be able to make it. Again, not sure why, but he hasn’t bothered to call or email to let me know. This is a friend I talked to multiple times in the past year to remind him to get the time off and get his flight and he reassured me over and over that he’d do whatever it takes to get there.
I made 7 appointments for attendants, family and friends to get their hair done the morning of. It was supposed to be fun. All the girls going out and getting their hair done at the salon the morning of the wedding. I can’t even fill all the appointment spots I made ’cause no one wants to go. I’ve even told them that if it’s too expensive they can just come and hang out while the rest of us get our hair done. No one’s really straight out said no, but I can tell that they won’t come.
I just got a response email from my cousin whom I asked to hand out programs at the ceremony. The ceremony starts at 1 and I said the earliest she should have to be there is noon. She wants to do it, but is unsure ’cause she was carpooling with her parents and isn’t sure if they’ll want to get there early. They weren’t planning on getting there much before 1. What?! The wedding starts at 1! I had to email her back and politely tell her that they really should get there no later than 12:30 anyway ’cause it will take quite a long time to seat 5-600 people.
I honestly don’t feel like there are many people who would really be there for me when I need them anymore and man does it hurt. I’ve been milling it over and working with my therapist on it and I can’t seem to figure out what happened to all the people who used to care about me. I used to be going out nearly every night of the week ’cause my phone was ringing off the hook. My life is different now, I have a hard time staying out past 10pm, but every time I turn around my “friends” are doing things without me. The worst is people making plans in front of my face and blatantly leaving me out. Maybe there’s something wrong with me ’cause I don’t feel like I can invite myself like I used to. I just don’t feel close enough to anyone to do that anymore.
The day to day stuff I can find a way to deal with. I’ve been doing it for a while. Somehow, I feel as though I’ve been isolating myself and I have to find a way to be healthy again. But what I won’t be able to deal with is the crap I’m afraid is just going to keep bulding up to the wedding day. Will more people cancel on me so I’m stuck getting my hair done alone? Will people have excuses as to why they can’t come to my bachelorette party? or why they’ll have to leave early? Will my family all show up at the last minute ’cause they’re afraid of the scary Hindus and their savage ways (“OMG! They have fire in their wedding ceremony! Are they gonna burn the infidels?!”)? Will all of my “friends” leave the reception right after dinner to go to a bar instead or hang out at someone’s house?
I was planning to limit the informal depressing posts here, but you all honestly need to know about this. It’s hard to understand when you haven’t been through it, but believe me, if anyone you know is getting married they are almost definitely under an enormous amount of pressure and the best way to be a true friend is to try to ease that in any way you can.