Accepting Pain to Lessen Anxiety

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I’m feeling crappy today so this is an experiment in seeing if I can get a blog post out on a day when I am not feeling up to it, or doing anything for that matter.

I’m not sure why I’m feeling icky, sad, depressed, or whatever you call it, but I have a couple of ideas. One is that it’s so darn dreary today. It was warm and sunny the past few days so it’s surprising that one day like this can trigger such bad feelings, but it has happened before. Could just be that the crummy day is one ingredient in a cocktail of crappy mood. Continue reading

Passionate Writing Without Fear

Toyota!

I’ve decided that I’m missing a certain passion in my writing because I’m afraid to write about those things that make me feel passionate. It is a scary feeling, the feeling of passion and I don’t like feeling out of control. I wish I could go back to relinquishing control once in a while. I have built such a fortress of acceptable behavior around myself that I’m not sure when it’s ok to act out. Acting out in writing is probably ok, but even after years of therapy and over one year of weekly therapy specifically focused on recognizing my emotions and letting myself feel them, I am still afraid of them and afraid to let myself act as though I feel.

One of the writing exercises mentioned at the Foothill College writing conference I went to this past summer is to list the things I am passionate about, choose something from the list and write on that topic. I will incorporate this into my therapy by adding my own important requirement, reflection. Continue reading

Loneliness Is So Boring

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Last week was an interesting experiment in getting to know myself and my social needs. Both of my good friends from work were out of town and I suddenly found myself feeling alone at work. Of course, I wasn’t really alone, but socially it felt that way. There were plenty of other folks with whom I could have spoken, taken a coffee break, or had lunch, but it wasn’t as easy or comfortable as just hanging out with friends who wouldn’t be surprised if I asked them to join me for coffee.

I wasn’t too worried because I knew that Neelmani, specifically, would only be gone for a little over a week. I didn’t seem to mind having lunch alone at my desk or grabbing coffee without a friend, but slowly I started to notice that I was bored. Understandable right?

Keep in mind that when I use the word “bored” I don’t just mean that I wanted to do something fun. I mean that nothing seemed fun. Nothing interested me. I found I couldn’t get myself to stay at work as long as usual, but then when I went home I didn’t want to do anything there neither. I just lied in bed and tried to think of something that would brighten up my weary mind.

I looked outside at the rain and thought, “even the sky is gray, just like my mind” and then it hit me. I was depressed. Continue reading

My Personal Triumphs Against Anxiety

Negative Tide at Half Moon Bay

During my last appointment with my therapist we mainly discussed my achievements of the previous week. It was a comforting change from the normally anxiety-ridden discussions. Not only are anxious moments just that, but they also produce anxiety when discussing them. Therefore, it was a welcome break to spend the entire time talking about the changes I’ve made that have allowed me feel more comfortable, confident, and relaxed.

For my own personal note and for others to take note that therapy can lead to winning these seemingly small battles, which are actually large battles, here is what we covered last week: Continue reading

Take My Cancer Cells, Please

Tomorrow I wake at the normal time, shower like every other day, and eat the bowl of Cheerios I enjoy almost every morning, but instead of shuttling or biking into Yahoo afterwards, Dave is going to drive me to the Palo Alto Medical Foundation (PAMF) dermatology department for my Mohs surgery.

That is, of course, assuming the surgery is a go tomorrow. I did manage to break one itty bitty rule. Continue reading

“What is Normal?” and Other Rantings at 4am

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I feel as though I grew up during a strange time in which things weren’t defined very clearly. There were certain ways of doing things in the past that were not often questioned due to the strictness of social pressure and then came free love, drugs, hippies, anti-war, anti-imperialist, anti-establishment protesters….and then I was born. After all that. When it all started to calm down, but the lingering effects were still felt. With some people still believing in them passionately, others still fighting them as though they were as common and powerful as they had been in their time and most people just simply going back to trying to make their way through the day not really giving them much of a second thought, but living their lives differently than they would have 20, 30 or 50 years earlier nonetheless.

I know these sorts of upheavals happen throughout history and in fact, are probably happening around me right now, but I just don’t have the hindsight yet to notice them. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling that there is an overarching sense of confusion in the world around me. We’re so stuffed with information, facts, and experiences that we don’t know what to think nor what to believe anymore.

I awoke at 4am to a typical bout of tangential thinking, unable to sleep and began a spirited conversation with the bathroom walls. When those walls became confining and hunger began to claw at my stomach, alternately pushing stomach acid up through my esophagus as it often does, I carried my tirade to the living room where I held conference with my perpetual audience. The one which never judges, unless I choose them to, never interrupts but with tiny insights and questions that press the subject along, and the one with whom I’m always able to come to an understanding in the end.

We have concluded this:
Continue reading