In preparation for the birth of our first baby sometime in the next few weeks I started reading HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method by Marie F. Mongan. I’ve just started it, but already I’m impressed by the calming effect it is having on me. Funny thing is, I haven’t even begun to read much about the specifics of the technique.
In the first part of the book Mongan spends much of her time convincing the reader that childbirth does not have to be painful. Continue reading
On Wednesday I wrote about some of the fears I have about being a parent, but I needed a whole separate post to address my biggest fear. Continue reading
I’ve decided that if I can get through this pregnancy and the subsequent adjustment to a baby without too much freaking out, that will show that I have made an enormous amount of progress in the anxiety realm.
I feel I’m getting to the part of the pregnancy in which I’m having more anxious thoughts. Continue reading
I’m feeling crappy today so this is an experiment in seeing if I can get a blog post out on a day when I am not feeling up to it, or doing anything for that matter.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling icky, sad, depressed, or whatever you call it, but I have a couple of ideas. One is that it’s so darn dreary today. It was warm and sunny the past few days so it’s surprising that one day like this can trigger such bad feelings, but it has happened before. Could just be that the crummy day is one ingredient in a cocktail of crappy mood. Continue reading
I’ve decided that I’m missing a certain passion in my writing because I’m afraid to write about those things that make me feel passionate. It is a scary feeling, the feeling of passion and I don’t like feeling out of control. I wish I could go back to relinquishing control once in a while. I have built such a fortress of acceptable behavior around myself that I’m not sure when it’s ok to act out. Acting out in writing is probably ok, but even after years of therapy and over one year of weekly therapy specifically focused on recognizing my emotions and letting myself feel them, I am still afraid of them and afraid to let myself act as though I feel.
One of the writing exercises mentioned at the Foothill College writing conference I went to this past summer is to list the things I am passionate about, choose something from the list and write on that topic. I will incorporate this into my therapy by adding my own important requirement, reflection. Continue reading
During my last appointment with my therapist we mainly discussed my achievements of the previous week. It was a comforting change from the normally anxiety-ridden discussions. Not only are anxious moments just that, but they also produce anxiety when discussing them. Therefore, it was a welcome break to spend the entire time talking about the changes I’ve made that have allowed me feel more comfortable, confident, and relaxed.
For my own personal note and for others to take note that therapy can lead to winning these seemingly small battles, which are actually large battles, here is what we covered last week: Continue reading
I feel as though I grew up during a strange time in which things weren’t defined very clearly. There were certain ways of doing things in the past that were not often questioned due to the strictness of social pressure and then came free love, drugs, hippies, anti-war, anti-imperialist, anti-establishment protesters….and then I was born. After all that. When it all started to calm down, but the lingering effects were still felt. With some people still believing in them passionately, others still fighting them as though they were as common and powerful as they had been in their time and most people just simply going back to trying to make their way through the day not really giving them much of a second thought, but living their lives differently than they would have 20, 30 or 50 years earlier nonetheless.
I know these sorts of upheavals happen throughout history and in fact, are probably happening around me right now, but I just don’t have the hindsight yet to notice them. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling that there is an overarching sense of confusion in the world around me. We’re so stuffed with information, facts, and experiences that we don’t know what to think nor what to believe anymore.
I awoke at 4am to a typical bout of tangential thinking, unable to sleep and began a spirited conversation with the bathroom walls. When those walls became confining and hunger began to claw at my stomach, alternately pushing stomach acid up through my esophagus as it often does, I carried my tirade to the living room where I held conference with my perpetual audience. The one which never judges, unless I choose them to, never interrupts but with tiny insights and questions that press the subject along, and the one with whom I’m always able to come to an understanding in the end.
We have concluded this:
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I woke up, for the third or fourth time, at 8am on last Wednesday (fifth day on the Citalopram) and felt pelted with exhaustion. Getting out of bed wasn’t too difficult, but once I was up, showered, dressed and performing my morning ritual of “sit on the couch until I feel awake enough to greet the world”, I was ready to sleep again.
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Dave and I went out for our anniversary dinner last night (Tuesday) and I noticed that I was feeling pretty relaxed. I mean, granted, it’s a pretty relaxing activity, but I’ve been so wired lately, even when I’m sleeping, that it was a noticeable change. Continue reading
On the advice of the on-call resident psychiatrist at Stanford I did not take the Citalopram Sunday night, but decided to take it in the morning instead. Somewhat against her advice, on the other hand, I split my dose in half (to 10mg), in part just to calm my fears.
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A little bit of wisdom 