Sometimes I have a feeling the universe is trying to tell me something. A while back I was writing about a man I once observed while riding the bus. He was the obligatory crazy man that all buses seem to have. Continue reading
On Friday I wrote that I would post about the book Dave and I are reading that I hope will help me with my desire to raise emotionally healthy children. I started reading the Optimistic Child by Dr. Martin Seligman over a decade ago for a mentor program I participated in when I was in high school for which I studied depression independently. It has a slightly different meaning for me now and I feel as though I understand it a little better.
Seligman’s theory is that depression is caused by learned helplessness. Continue reading
I’ve decided that if I can get through this pregnancy and the subsequent adjustment to a baby without too much freaking out, that will show that I have made an enormous amount of progress in the anxiety realm.
I feel I’m getting to the part of the pregnancy in which I’m having more anxious thoughts. Continue reading
During my last appointment with my therapist we mainly discussed my achievements of the previous week. It was a comforting change from the normally anxiety-ridden discussions. Not only are anxious moments just that, but they also produce anxiety when discussing them. Therefore, it was a welcome break to spend the entire time talking about the changes I’ve made that have allowed me feel more comfortable, confident, and relaxed.
For my own personal note and for others to take note that therapy can lead to winning these seemingly small battles, which are actually large battles, here is what we covered last week: Continue reading
I feel as though I grew up during a strange time in which things weren’t defined very clearly. There were certain ways of doing things in the past that were not often questioned due to the strictness of social pressure and then came free love, drugs, hippies, anti-war, anti-imperialist, anti-establishment protesters….and then I was born. After all that. When it all started to calm down, but the lingering effects were still felt. With some people still believing in them passionately, others still fighting them as though they were as common and powerful as they had been in their time and most people just simply going back to trying to make their way through the day not really giving them much of a second thought, but living their lives differently than they would have 20, 30 or 50 years earlier nonetheless.
I know these sorts of upheavals happen throughout history and in fact, are probably happening around me right now, but I just don’t have the hindsight yet to notice them. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling that there is an overarching sense of confusion in the world around me. We’re so stuffed with information, facts, and experiences that we don’t know what to think nor what to believe anymore.
I awoke at 4am to a typical bout of tangential thinking, unable to sleep and began a spirited conversation with the bathroom walls. When those walls became confining and hunger began to claw at my stomach, alternately pushing stomach acid up through my esophagus as it often does, I carried my tirade to the living room where I held conference with my perpetual audience. The one which never judges, unless I choose them to, never interrupts but with tiny insights and questions that press the subject along, and the one with whom I’m always able to come to an understanding in the end.
We have concluded this:
I woke up, for the third or fourth time, at 8am on last Wednesday (fifth day on the Citalopram) and felt pelted with exhaustion. Getting out of bed wasn’t too difficult, but once I was up, showered, dressed and performing my morning ritual of “sit on the couch until I feel awake enough to greet the world”, I was ready to sleep again.
On the advice of the on-call resident psychiatrist at Stanford I did not take the Citalopram Sunday night, but decided to take it in the morning instead. Somewhat against her advice, on the other hand, I split my dose in half (to 10mg), in part just to calm my fears.
I was feelin’ great before bed and fell asleep pretty easily with help of melatonin and likely because I was exhausted from only 6 hours of sleep the night before. I had taken the Citalopram at 10pm Saturday night. Here are the events of early Sunday morning: Continue reading