Recently I was awoken in the middle of the night by the cries of my younger son. As my husband got there before me, I heard my son cry out, “I want Mooooooommmmy!” I spent the next few minutes attempting to comfort both my son and my husband. Because I know that as much as my husband feels exhausted by the constant demands of our kids, as do I, he also wants to feel needed. It’s hard to drag yourself out of bed at night to comfort someone who just demands someone else.
Well, as is often the case when I’m awake late at night (or early in the morning, rather), I quickly became mired in depressing thoughts. Continue reading
I struggle with writing emotional scenes. In part because I have a hard time admitting that I feel any sort of vulnerable emotion myself and writing about it feels like an admission of that fact. But mostly because I have a tendency to give too many details which leads to telling rather than showing. For example, I might write a scene like: Continue reading
I’ve been trying a couple new things with my writing. I’ve shifted from short stories over to working on a full novel. I was making some progress, but then decided that I needed to work on the quality, trashed most of it and started over. Now I’ve got a few good chapters, but it’s moving forward at a snail’s pace for various reasons: Continue reading
Am I happy being a work-at-home mom (the term I prefer to stay-at-home mom)? It is by far the most stressful job I’ve ever had and I do have a difficult time with the constant vigilance. Continue reading
One of the best things you can do for yourself is admit when you need help. Even an expert can use some kind of help at some point. I do not claim to be an expert writer, but it can be difficult to ask for help because it feels like denying an aspect of my personality. I have been labeled as many things and have explored many paths, but have most frequently been a writer. It is the underlying theme in everything I do. So it often gives my stomach a pinch when someone tries to lecture me on the basics, asks me if I am published, or questions whether I make money (as though these create some sort of legitimacy). I have to remember that progress does not come out of arrogance just as it does not come out of insecurity.
Someone once told me that sometimes you have to go backwards in order to move forward. It is true. I needed a refresher. I have what sometimes seems like an innate ability to write, but do I know how to tell a story that will keep a reader reading? Do I know how to use words to make a reader feel how I want him or her to feel? Continue reading
As I mentioned in my last post about meditative writing, I often do writing exercises to get myself started. Following is a bit of freeform writing I did months ago that is unlike what I normally write, but it is interesting for me to read something that is in a voice so unlike me and a style that I hadn’t consciously thought to try. I’ve edited it slightly for clarity, but it is mostly a raw piece straight out of my silly brain.
Sleepy Kitty looks at Bunny with drowsy eyes refusing to lift his chin. She stops a couple feet in front of him and eyes him sideways, suddenly popping into the air she shifts directions in an instant and is off running full tilt away from Kitty, but she stops just as suddenly halfway down the hallway when she realizes he hasn’t taken up the chase. Kitty is bored with this game and needs a nap. Likewise, Bunny is bored with Kitty. What fun is it to sleep all day? Bunny hardly ever sleeps. All her energy comes quickly from eating and eating more and more still and pooping out pellets like a conveyer belt from her mouth to the rear. Continue reading
When I sit down to write and I’m having a hard time getting started I follow a common writing exercise. I time myself and write for twenty minutes about anything, paying no attention to grammar, sentence structure or spelling. It always gets me writing, without fail, but when I relax and really get into it is when it begins to feel like meditating. Continue reading
I’ve decided that I’m missing a certain passion in my writing because I’m afraid to write about those things that make me feel passionate. It is a scary feeling, the feeling of passion and I don’t like feeling out of control. I wish I could go back to relinquishing control once in a while. I have built such a fortress of acceptable behavior around myself that I’m not sure when it’s ok to act out. Acting out in writing is probably ok, but even after years of therapy and over one year of weekly therapy specifically focused on recognizing my emotions and letting myself feel them, I am still afraid of them and afraid to let myself act as though I feel.
One of the writing exercises mentioned at the Foothill College writing conference I went to this past summer is to list the things I am passionate about, choose something from the list and write on that topic. I will incorporate this into my therapy by adding my own important requirement, reflection. Continue reading
Written Tuesday, September 15:
I did it! I popped the proverbial cork in my cervix, nourished a healthy nesting ground for a welcome parasite and said, “go to town, little dude”. I couldn’t wait to get to the drugstore after my last entry. Good thing I biked there – it helped with the anxious shakes. I had a $10 off coupon to go towards a $20 purchase so I took an unnecessarily long time shopping. Continue reading
Written Monday, September 14th:
28th day of my cycle. The day I’ve been waiting for. “It” is not here yet, but it could come at any moment. Like waiting for someone you don’t like to show up at your door, knowing they’ll stick around for a week and make your life miserable. The only way to try to prevent their arrival is to have lots and lots of sex, relax, and hope for the best. Not bad, I guess. Continue reading