I’d Get Healthy If It Didn’t Make Me Feel So Damn Guilty

A day after starting my new job at Yahoo! (contracting through WorkforceLogic) I got a call from Stanford Department of Psychiatry to finally schedule my appointment, which I had been told would be about two months out. Lucky for me there had been a last-minute cancellation for the next morning at 10am. Of course, I didn’t check the message until 8pm when Dave and I were out at dinner, resulting in a late night call to Stanford Psychiatry’s voicemail desperately hoping no one else had snatched up the appointment and an email to my team lead at Yahoo!, whom I had known for a little over a day at this point, to explain that I would be into work later than anticipated.

Anxious and guilt-ridden as I am, I toyed with the idea of passing up the appointment because it felt irresponsible to email work at 10pm the night before. Of course, logic tells me that no one in his right mind would fire someone for having a drs. appointment during working hours, even if it were at the last minute, but that annoying little devil prodding me in my stomach would give me no peace.

“What if people start asking why I have so many drs. appointments? What if they start to think I’m lying about them because no one else has to go to the dr. that often? Will they find out that I’m crazy and discriminate against me?” It may sound silly to obsess over it, but I felt pressured by most of these questions at my last job, no matter how indirectly.

The irony, of course, is that the very purpose of the appointment is to mute the nagging voice that tells me to feel guilty for taking care of myself and inconveniencing others no matter how necessary or minor. In the end, ultimately crushing that voice was more important to me than temporarily assuaging the guilt. I think I made the right choice. My team lead didn’t bat an eye, I got the appointment (two months early!), I’ve got a prescription and another appointment in four weeks. I’m ready to kick this thing’s ass.


One thought on “I’d Get Healthy If It Didn’t Make Me Feel So Damn Guilty

  1. I suck at taking care of myself. There’s just so much to it, I feel accomplished if I manage to work out and floss all in the same day. I have trouble saying no to people’s requests, my life always come last. Do you do that?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s