Time for cramming more microblogging into a full blog post! I’m thankful that my slightly younger self was able to take the time to make quick updates to Facebook so I can look back on the first couple weeks of my son’s life. It’s just a snapshot, but it brings back memories and allows me to elaborate now, while I still remember some details. Continue reading
The baby buddha was hanging out with my friend, his Auntie Andrea, for a few hours yesterday. She had been there to watch over him since ten in the morning, but I didn’t get out of the house until quarter to one. “I had a lot of stuff to take care of around the house”, I tell myself. “It takes so long to get going.” But really, am I still just a little bit afraid of leaving my little baby? I completely trust Andrea, that’s not the problem. I just can’t shake the feeling that Sidd needs me…always. Continue reading
I hear children teach adults many wise life lessons. Less than two months old and Siddhartha has already taught me (inadvertently, I think) a huge one. I will be much happier if I simply accept that things will not always go according to plan. Not yet able to speak and he has already demonstrated for me the basic tenets of Buddhism. The difference between the way things are and the way we want things to be causes suffering. If we want to end suffering, we must eliminate our desires and accept things as they are. Continue reading
One of the best things you can do for yourself is admit when you need help. Even an expert can use some kind of help at some point. I do not claim to be an expert writer, but it can be difficult to ask for help because it feels like denying an aspect of my personality. I have been labeled as many things and have explored many paths, but have most frequently been a writer. It is the underlying theme in everything I do. So it often gives my stomach a pinch when someone tries to lecture me on the basics, asks me if I am published, or questions whether I make money (as though these create some sort of legitimacy). I have to remember that progress does not come out of arrogance just as it does not come out of insecurity.
Someone once told me that sometimes you have to go backwards in order to move forward. It is true. I needed a refresher. I have what sometimes seems like an innate ability to write, but do I know how to tell a story that will keep a reader reading? Do I know how to use words to make a reader feel how I want him or her to feel? Continue reading
As I mentioned in my last post about meditative writing, I often do writing exercises to get myself started. Following is a bit of freeform writing I did months ago that is unlike what I normally write, but it is interesting for me to read something that is in a voice so unlike me and a style that I hadn’t consciously thought to try. I’ve edited it slightly for clarity, but it is mostly a raw piece straight out of my silly brain.
Sleepy Kitty looks at Bunny with drowsy eyes refusing to lift his chin. She stops a couple feet in front of him and eyes him sideways, suddenly popping into the air she shifts directions in an instant and is off running full tilt away from Kitty, but she stops just as suddenly halfway down the hallway when she realizes he hasn’t taken up the chase. Kitty is bored with this game and needs a nap. Likewise, Bunny is bored with Kitty. What fun is it to sleep all day? Bunny hardly ever sleeps. All her energy comes quickly from eating and eating more and more still and pooping out pellets like a conveyer belt from her mouth to the rear. Continue reading
When I sit down to write and I’m having a hard time getting started I follow a common writing exercise. I time myself and write for twenty minutes about anything, paying no attention to grammar, sentence structure or spelling. It always gets me writing, without fail, but when I relax and really get into it is when it begins to feel like meditating. Continue reading
I’ve decided that I’m missing a certain passion in my writing because I’m afraid to write about those things that make me feel passionate. It is a scary feeling, the feeling of passion and I don’t like feeling out of control. I wish I could go back to relinquishing control once in a while. I have built such a fortress of acceptable behavior around myself that I’m not sure when it’s ok to act out. Acting out in writing is probably ok, but even after years of therapy and over one year of weekly therapy specifically focused on recognizing my emotions and letting myself feel them, I am still afraid of them and afraid to let myself act as though I feel.
One of the writing exercises mentioned at the Foothill College writing conference I went to this past summer is to list the things I am passionate about, choose something from the list and write on that topic. I will incorporate this into my therapy by adding my own important requirement, reflection. Continue reading
Written Tuesday, September 15:
I did it! I popped the proverbial cork in my cervix, nourished a healthy nesting ground for a welcome parasite and said, “go to town, little dude”. I couldn’t wait to get to the drugstore after my last entry. Good thing I biked there – it helped with the anxious shakes. I had a $10 off coupon to go towards a $20 purchase so I took an unnecessarily long time shopping. Continue reading
Written Monday, September 14th:
28th day of my cycle. The day I’ve been waiting for. “It” is not here yet, but it could come at any moment. Like waiting for someone you don’t like to show up at your door, knowing they’ll stick around for a week and make your life miserable. The only way to try to prevent their arrival is to have lots and lots of sex, relax, and hope for the best. Not bad, I guess. Continue reading
As terrifying as it is I think it’s about time I start to share some of my writing. I’m hoping that if I put it out there I will be less afraid and that’ll encourage me to write more. To start I’ll share something I wrote on the fly rather than something I’ve been working on for a while, that way if no one likes it I don’t feel as devastated.
The following was what I wrote for a writing exercise at the Foothill College Writers’ Conference that I went to back in July. The exercise was simply to write about something I’m passionate about. I decided to tear through the fear and to do exactly what the exercise asked. I wrote about what I’m most passionate about despite being attacked for it in the past. The result was a stark naked emotional piece that I wrote without hesitation or fear of attack. I wish I could write like that more often. Please, be gentle… Continue reading